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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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So, I wake up, and it’s already hot as hell. Like, come on, it’s Mertoyudan, not the Sahara! I grab my coffee from that little warung on Jl. Diponegoro. Best coffee ever, but the guy who runs it? Total grump. I swear, he could frown at a sunny day. Anyway, I’m chugging my coffee, and I’m like, “Today’s gonna be a good day.” Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.

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